Had a great time in Kansas City last week, at the KC IABC Chapter's Business Communications Summit.
And, as usual, all the really cool, awful, scary stories came out in the bar after the day's sessions were over.
My favorite came from a graphic designer who works with a lot of big companies on various projects. One of her jobs was to photograph the CEO of a very large, very well known company, that shall remain nameless. She was supposed to take his photo every year for a print communication vehicle.
No big deal, right? Get in there, get 15 minutes of his time, get him to do something other than stand there and look constipated, take 20 or 30 shots, and pick the best one. If you have even more time, and he's willing, maybe even get the executive out of the office, talking to a customer, or at one of the company's plants. Make him seem human.
Oh . . . but there was one problem. She didn't get fifteen minutes with the executive. She didn't get five minutes. She didn't get one minute.
"I didn't even get 10 seconds with this guy," she told me. "I didn't get any time with him at all."
So what did you do? I asked, imagining her setting up in a storefront window across the street from the corporate headquarters, like a sniper or a private investigator, with a long-range lens, hoping to get a shot of the guy getting out of his car in the morning.
Or maybe she waited in the stall of the executive bathroom, like a papparazo (and yes, that IS the singular form of papparazi; I looked it up), hoping to get a shot of him at the urinal, or at the sink walking up (since most executive mug shots only show the person from the third shirt button up, you can use urinal and sink shots).
Well . . . as ridiculous as those scenarios sound, what she actually had to do was, maybe, even worse.
"Every year, I would take last year's mug shot, and Photoshop in a different tie," she told me. "And that would be the picture."
Oh, the things we do in corporate communication. Communicators and readers, do you have any nightmare stories to top that one? Let's hear them!
Steve – perhaps you should have indicated that pseudonyms will be accepted on this particular post? I fear people will be relucatant to share their stories if they have to use their real names.
Maybe we could make it into a new game: “See if you can guess the communicator’s real name from the story”???
Hahaha – wow…
Thanks for coming to KC, Steve. Always fun to hear your thoughts and feel inspired to do more!
It’s a horror story that ended up turning me into a hero, but I guess it counts.
Every year at our customer conference our CEO stands up in front of the crowd to say what’s new at the company. Unfortunately, one year, we didn’t really have anything tits crazy to announce, so my boss came to me in a panic and said we need to come up with an interesting story or skit to tell.
The conference was being held at Universal Orlando, so we decided a play off of a television show would be ideal. One problem – our CEO does not like to be scripted. About halfway through the meeting I said in my best Daryl Hammond impersonating Sean Connery voice – “How about we do some celebrity Jeopardy you mountebanks?”
You get two guesses as to who ended up playing Sean Connery during the final performance. I was a theater major in college though, so that’s not the horror story.
This was perfect, our CEO would be lightly scripted to cue up the contestants wrong and funny answers, then he could riff about the right answer.
I wrote a flawless and goddamn hilarious script for myself (Sean Connery) and two universal characters we were going to rent – Popeye & Mr. Magoo.
Because we have a customer that is in royalty rites over Magoo with Universal, we were told MAgoo out, but we can give you Betty Boop.
First off, Betty Boop hasn’t been opopular since my Grandmother was a kid. Secondly all she ever says is Boop Boopee Doop. “How the hell do I make a testicle headed harlot who says on thing funny?” was all I could stammer to my boss as I sat in Philadelphia airport when I got the news. “Think of something fast,” was her stern reply.
For anyone blessed enough to creative writing in a corporate environment will immediately understand my dilemma. Sure I could do tons of jokes leveraging her sexuality – oh no I can’t, I have to be politically correct.
My mind became to swim. Eventually I played the ole’ opposite card. She would come on dumb as a ton of rocks, merely spouting nonsense and Boop Boopee Doops for every question until one of the really complex zingers to which she would spout out technobabble with the fluidity of Stephen Hawking.
Far from perfect and a definite 24 hour nightmare.
Kristen R. (if, in fact, that is your real name), you are right. In this case, anonymity should be the rule, not the exception!!!
Sara: KC was great. We had a blast! But weren’t you supposed to be part of the drinking crew after the conference? What happened to that?
Steve C.
AH, Rob:
The perils of trying to be funny with non-funny things in an ultra-PC corporate environment.
It would have sucked the soul out of Lenny Bruce. Bill Cosby might even have a tough time!
But from what I remember, your Jeopardy thing turned out really well, didn’t it?
Do you still have a copy of it sitting around somewhere? I’d love to see it if you do!
Steve C.
I’m a bit of a perfectionist with my performaces so “well” is a relative term.
When I direct a play I rehearse the thing to death. When I act in a show I drive the director insane becasue I always whine enough that the director adds more rehearsals. No way I’m making an ass out of myself because poeple are too lazy to work…
Until this….
One rehearsal at my company with the CEO and twenty minutes with the charachters in Florida is not my idea of idea rehearsal time.
And then the day of the performace…my CEO added a fake moustache to the mix because he was playing Alex trebek. Sadly, there are no fake moustaches taht are neat and trimmed like Trebek’s, no they all make you look like you are Poncho Groucho being chased by Texas Rangers.
This frigging thing dropped more often than Liza Minelli on a martini bender.
As I said though, I was the only one who picked apart these flaws. It gave me a new level of awareness in the ocmpany I could not have expected.
Steve let me see what I can about getting you a sneak peek.
Hi, “Steve.” I worked at a company where we had 1 picture of the CEO. For everything. For 8 years. – “Amy”
Hi, “Amy.” Thank you for sharing. Did you photoshop new ties and haircuts onto the photo? And maybe a fake mustache, like the one Rob talks about?
Rob: I’d love to see a sneak peek. Sorry about the mustache! That sounds dreadful. But I’m sure it was a LOT better than you thought.
In fact, I’m sure it was great.
Steve C.
In view of the above comments I conclude that vanity in CEOs is not at all a flaw, but merely a factor which may turn beneficial to any poor communicator turned paparazzo… Great story, made me spit beer through my nose
Ania:
I like that you are drinking beer this early in the day. Would that I were!!!
Steve C.
“Steve” – We didn’t have photoshop back then. Just had to suck it up and try to crop creatively. Which admittedly fooled no one. – “Amy”