Social Media has gone mainstream.
I know this, because formy son’s travel baseball team, several of the parents suggested Twitter as away to stay in touch to provide updates on schedule changes, game times, andother news.
Six months ago, nobody even knew what Twitter was.
Now, I'm not saying it is 100 percent mainstream. For example, I wasrecently trying to explain Twitter to my ex-wife, who works as a nurse and onlyrecently began to master e-mail.
Her response to Twitter:
“What the hell is the matter with people?”
However, this is also the same woman who just got an iPhone,and now is actually texting and reading e-mails from a mobile device. I give itsix months until she’s on Twitter and Facebook.
But as Social Media goes mainstream, we better be aware ofthe downsides to these constantly updated, always connected, 100 percenttransparent lives we are building.
To that end, this is the first of a three-part series atCorporate Hallucinations on the ugly, creepy side of Social Media. The serieswill look at three of the biggest problems with these new communication tools:
1. The fact that nobody lives in the moment anymore . . . andwhat you’re doing right now isn’t nearly as important as TELLING EVERYONE thatyou’re doing it.
2. The fact that creepy business owners are using social mediatools to hawk their wares in all the social media spaces . . . which makesusing these tools like going to a party and finding out that 90 percent of thepeople are Amway salespeople.
3. The fact that as we shorten everything to a status update ora 140-character tweet (less if you want to leave room for a retweet!), we maybe losing the ability to think about, process, and communicate longer trains ofthought.
Let’s take number one first: The fact that in the SocialMedia Age, it’s all about the update, not the moment itself.
Two recent incidents pointed this problem out to me. At thefirst one, I was at a party a couple of months ago, and everyone was drinking aton and whooping it up and having a blast.
Everyone, that is, except for one person, who kept saying:”Okay, we need pictures for Facebook. Everyone get together for a Facebook picture!” And she keptstopping the Goddamned party, so that she could take a photo and upload it toFacebook.
I didn’t see her get into one good conversation, because shewas constantly working her Facebook page. Once she started uploadingphotos, other people sitting at home would comment, and then she would have toanswer, and then take more photos, and then answer the comments . . . it was anever-ending, vicious cycle.
She should have just stayed home and played on Facebook fromthe privacy of her own house, because she sure as hell wasn't intellectually or emotionally present at the party!
And here’s the other problem with her obsession: I didn’t want my picture onFacebook! One, because I was shitfaced. And two, because there’s always abetter-than-even chance that I don’t want the world to know that I’m at thatparticular party, at that particular time.
Maybe someone asked me to go to the ballet that night, and Isaid I had strep throat, to get out of it. Maybe I had a family function that Iwas supposed to be at, but I blew it off.
Maybe, the next day, I would be tired, and I would want to blowsomething off then, but now I wouldn’t be able to, because everyone in theGoddamned world would know I was blowing it off because I was hung over.
The point is, the person taking the pictures was far moreworried about capturing the event on Facebook than she was about just enjoyingherself. And, she was dragging everyone else into her obsessive compulsion to posteverything, immediately, right now, online.
The second incident was just as bad. We were at a Super Bowlparty, again having a great time, except for one person who kept diddling her Dingleberry.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“Tweeting about the party,” she said.
“Why?” I said. "Are you bored?"
"No," she said. "I'm having a great time."
And sure enough, her tweet said something like, "I'm having a great time at the Super Bowl Party. Go Saints!"
But if she was really having a great time, would she really take time out to tweet about it?
Instead of enjoying the moment, shefelt it was more important to tell the world (or at least her 37 followers) about the moment.
You see these kinds of Tweets and Facebook updates all thetime. They look like this:
“Having a great dinner with John and Alice at Ruths ChrisSteak House. My steak is as big as my ass!”
Or . . .
“Watching "Kicking and Screaming" with my 12-year-old sonBilly. Awesome movie.”
Or . . .
“Having sex with my wife . . . she just pulled out theleather harness. About to get interesting!!”
Okay, I made that last one up. But you get the point.
If you’re really enjoying dinner at Ruths’ Chris, why thehell would you take time out from the food and the wine and conversation totell people about it? Before Twitter, would you interrupt the dinner to phone adistant relative to tell them all about it?
And if you’re really enjoying watching a movie with yourkid, then watch the movie with your kid! Tweet after the fact, if you need to.Update your status before you go to bed, and tell everyone what a great nightyou had, if you feel you must.
And if you're really slathered with baby oil and strapped into a leather parachute harness, enjoy that moment! It might never happen again! And then you can tweet it and put pictures on your Facebook page!
This growing tendency to have to immediately broadcastour every movement and moment is scary, to me.
And, as Social Media goes more and more mainstream, and the mobile devices becomeeasier and easier to use, it’s only going to get worse.
Tomorrow (or maybe the next day), we’ll do Part Two of thecreepy, dark side of social media: business owners who use the variousplatforms to constantly and obnoxiously hawk their good and/or services topeople.
And I’ve got one hell of a creepy story to tell you aboutthat.
Amen. Right above your post on Facebook were two separate posts from two married friends who both updated their page via their respective BlackBerrys over an apparently lovely dinner somewhere in Australia. “Having a nice time overlooking the harbor,” blah blah blah. Both of them furiously typing on their phones rather than actually TALKING to each other. What the hell?
Don:
That’s gross. But I’m as guilty as anyone. Since we both got iPhones, there have been plenty of times Cindy and I have been in the same room, but on our phones either Facebooking or tweeting or reading.
The other day, we were both in BED. She was Facebooking and I was reading the Twitter stream.
And no, we had NOT had sex yet. Shouldn’t that have been first?
It’s a strong pull, a powerful temptation. But we must resist and refuse it, less we lose huge chunks of our soul.
Steve C.
I’m right there with you, Steve. This is one reason I will never be a super-consultant. I refuse to engage in social media to that extent. I tweet maybe 5-10 times a WEEK if I’m lucky. Otherwise, I’m too busy enjoying real life. I just don’t get these people who seemingly live on Twitter. I admit I do keep my FB page up most of the time when I’m at my desk, but that’s because it serves as a sort of social office environment that we self-employed work-from-home types don’t have.
And I might be perceived as a real dinosaur, but I don’t have an iPhone or a BlackBerry for this very same reason. I just have not seen a compelling reason — either business or personal — to have one. I once broke up with a woman because she was constantly on her cell phone when we were together. I would much rather enjoy the moment in real time. Even if it means I won’t make the big-time as a consultant. At least in the end I will have lived a rich life in other ways.
I have a FB friend who posts the weather report for his city. Don’t we have meteorologists for that?
Robert:
You already ARE a big-time consultant!! Maybe not a social media guru futurist Web 4.0 clue train consultant . . . but there are plenty of those already.
I know what you mean about using Facebook as an office when I work from home. That and twitter can give you that vital interaction that you might go mad without.
But when it’s time to interact with actual humans, that should be that.
Jean: At least your friend doesn’t post status updates like, “Sigh . . . .”. And then wait for you to ask her what’s the matter.
I HATE that.
Steve C.
And what about all the people who are living in FarmVille or fighting MafiaWars? Now that’s creepy!
You KNOW social media has gone mainstream when you get people complaining about how OTHERS use/abuse/enjoy it. Now, I think its kinda silly for someone to post such minutia, but who am I to judge what makes them happy? What makes ME happy is subsequently hiding their updates (sorry, Aunt Gerre). It gives me the screaming hives when people get up in someone else’s grill about how they should pursue happiness (“Come out and DANCE! You’ll love it!” Ummm, no I won’t, and neither will you. Or “Take a hit of this crack pipe!” Or “Come to church with me!”). Yes, its obnoxious if that lady was trying to pull together folks for pictures all the damn time, but A) that existed well before Facebook (i’m looking at you again, Aunt Gerre) and B) you have the option to ignore that individual. Or agree to pose and then throw up the horns. Or your middle finger. Or your ass. Have fun your own way. Don’t let someone else harsh your buzz.
I HAVE a blackberry, and it’s kind of cool and convenient to be able to get online wherever I am [true story: when I was home at Christmas, I was at a restaurant with my Mom, Step-Father, and my sister and her family. We were in the bar waiting for our table and I commented on the "banquette" that we were sitting on. My sister accused me of making that word up. I whipped out the BB, and dialed up dictionery.com to prove to her that not only was this a REAL word, but I in fact used it completely correctly and in context. DO NOT question me on words, sister!!].
That said, however I’m the person you talk about Steve, who updates her FB status and Twitter stream AFTER I do something fun or interesting not during. When I go into a movie theater, which I do nearly every Saturday, I shut my phone OFF. Not on vibrate, not on “silent mode” – OFF! When I am out for dinner with people I like my phone may be on, but it stays in my bag because I want to talk to my friends, not update FB. Geez Louise people WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
I believe the only way this will change is if those of us who prefer to experience the moment refuse to accept this screwy and disrespectful behaviour as “just how things are now”. No! It isn’t “normal” and it DEFINITELY isn’t “okay”.
I have, and will continue to, ended a visit or a dinner or whatever, with people who are on their devices constantly while we are together. I just say: “Obviously, you have things you need to do that don’t allow you to enjoy dinner out tonight. I’m going to go and let you do what you need to do. If you get some actual free time soon, let me know and we can reshedule.” People – those addicted people – are usually stunned when I do this. But the way I figure it, either they will get the message that I’m serious and behave accordingly, or they won’t and we’ll stop getting together. I’m fine either way, because my mother raised me to treat my friends with respect, and I expect the same in return. Period.
Some things just aren’t negotiable, and actually looking at me and paying me the respect of your full attention when I talk to you if I’ve schlepped my buns across the city to meet you for coffee, drinks or dinner is one of them.
Those of us who believe in living in the moment need to take a stand and man the battlements to demand respect and common decency. I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore!!!!!
Who’s with me??
I’m with you, Kristen!!! I’m with you!!!!
Have you really ended a night like that? You have cajones . . . and you’re Canadian!?!?!? I thought you were just supposed to smile and nod and be nice!
Neruda: I understand your point. Who the hell am I to tell someone how to be happy? Great point. But you have to admit, it can be pretty rude to the people you’re with.
“Harsh your buzz.” Oh, I like that. I like that a lot. That’s going into regular rotation.
Steve C.
Steve – yes I am Canadian, and mostly I do try to be polite. Actually, I think my way of asking for my dinner companion’s attention is very polite. It just isn’t “doormat”.
Here’s the thing – and you yourself have written about this although in the business context – people will treat you as well or as badly as you ALLOW them to treat you.
I refuse to allow anyone to treat me disrespectfully, especially people in my personal life who are supposed to be my friends. I’m with Neruda – you can live your life however you feel works for you – just don’t expect ME to live MY life based on what YOU think is acceptable.
And, understand that for every choice there’s a consequence. In this situation, if you want to choose to be surgically attached to your Twitter feed 24/7, knock yourself out! We just won’t be spending any time together.
Sigh…(Steve, I look forward to your email asking me what is wrong)
I truly enjoy the hyperbole of your post, but I just gotta disagree with your #1. For some people, this behavior you report IS their version of being in the moment. Why hate on ‘em? Maybe they’re introverted and this is their way of participating? Maybe they missed their calling as documentarian?
Can’t we just agree that everyone is annoying in their own way and leave it at that?
Just like you might step away from the loud, opinionated drunk guy at the party, you can also step away from or tune out the rabid Facebooker and tweeter instead of making pronouncements about people’s prolific use of social media endangering our very souls. All this does, in my opinion, is make your readers overly paranoid and stilted in the way they post updates. The truly rabid Facebooker/tweeters are unaffected.
When I update “in the moment” of whatever event I’m attending, it’s usually for the benefit of the far-flung friends and family who said they wished they could go, who tune in because they’re interested. I take time out of the moment to bring them into it. There’s nothing creepy or wrong or soul-endangering about that, unless it involves leather harnesses or swinging baskets. After the fact, those friends thank me for including them in the fun. Isn’t that what it’s all for?
Aidan:
Touche! I find it hard to argue with your points, linked as they are Nerudas point about not trying to control how someone else has fun.
I know you’re in in-the-moment-update-addict, and I really enjoy your in-the-moment updates. I think it’s because bring personality and humor to thsoe updates . . . which DOES make you more of a correspondent to events, which is kind of cool.
I’ll go so far as to say, the larger the group, the more socially acceptable it should be to update/tweet, etc.
If there are two of you over dinner, like the scenario Kristen described, it’s just plain rude and pathetic if you’re updating and facebooking.
If it’s four of you, it may be a LITTLE less rude (but not much, imho).
If you’re at a 20-person party, what’s the harm right? As you said, people can just ignore you (and let’s hope they do).
At a concert or sporting event, then you become a live correspondent for your followers, and I think if you want to take on that role (and possibly take away from your own experience of the event) then who the hell am I or anyone else to tell you no? Especially if you believe that tweeting and updating allows you to enjoy the event even more?
Steve C.
Good observation about living in the moment. Here’s a similar example. My son is in high school band, and I go to every concert. I usually bring the video camera, but I have started to realize that I’m not really watching or listening to the concert when I’m busy trying to videotape everything. Ten years from now it will be cool to play the tape back, but I really missed the whole experience in the first place.
Ray:
I see that all the time with my son’s sports. Some of the folks are constantly scrambling to get the perfect shot, the perfect angle for video, that I wonder if they even know what’s going on in the game!!
Then again, I always bitch about my wife Cindy taking too many pictures when we’re on vacation . . . but GOD I like to look at them now.
I just went through the album of when we rented our own private houseboat in the south of France. I bitched about all those pictures . . . but they brought back a flood of great memories.
Steve C.
God! I live this. It’s like every single time you have a girls’ night out, someone brings a camera to take photos and then by the time you get home, you’ve been tagged in 10 photos. Someone asked me if I don’t go out cause I don’t have like a gazillion albums on FB of my trips to the mall, to the gas station, to the outhouse. I do go out but I don’t feel the need to memorialise every single moment on Facebook, nor have my fingers become attached to my Blackberry keypad. I don’t like being tagged either because I kinda like keeping some parts of my life on the DL. People are really missing out on life when they become these social media psychos, but as someone said above, maybe that’s just their way!
Avi:
First questions first: How often do you go to the outhouse? And the second question, related to the first, where do you live in the world?
Someone up in the thread, I think Neruda, said people have been halting the proceedings to take pictures forever.
And he’s right. But you nailed it, Avi: There’s something disturbing about having seventeen pictures of myself at an event, with people talking about them, before I even get home that night!!
It used to be the photobuggers would take their shots, then let the film sit for a couple of years. Or, if they developed them, would look at them once and forget about them.
Now, every photo, every moment, lives forever on the ‘Book.
Steve C.
Okay, at the risk of winning the “crotchety old lady” award, can I just say again: HAVE ANY OF YOU PEOPLE HEARD OF THE CONCEPT OF MANNNERS?!
Geez Louise, people! Just because someone is present at an event doesn’t automatically mean that they have agreed to give you online addict-crazy-people carte blanche authorization to post their pictures for the entire flippin’ world to see!
Like Steve said, there may be any number of good reasons why you DON’T want your picture on someone else’s Facebook page where you have zero control of where they go or who sees them. And, it’s just plain rude for you to assume that it’s okay to post pictures of other people without asking for permission.
I almost always remove tags on photos of me that other people publish, and if I’m at an event where someone is taking pictures – especially if it’s someone I don’t know – I will ask if these pictures are going to be posted online, and if the answer is yes and I’m not okay with that, I say so, and ask to be advised when they’re taking a picture so I can step out. But the way people react when I do this, makes it seem like I’ve just suggested boiling their puppy in oil! This shouldn’t be a big fat hairy deal, okay?!
Some people use their Facebook or Twitter pages for a combination of personal and business purposes, and having a photo of them posted with open access can have negative consequences for their careers – not because they did anything wrong, but maybe they would just prefer to keep certain parts of their life private, and I don’t think simply attending an event shouldn mean you risk giving up the decisions about your privacy to what could be a complete stranger.
Again, people have a right to do whatever they want with their own lives, but you need to respect other people’s choices and not assume you have the right to make them for other people.
Here’s something else to think about on this – a lot of events these days include people’s children. Do you consider before you take a picture with kids in it whether there’s an address, or a license plate, or a school uniform in those pictures? Because there are a lot of bad people out there who use that kind of information to target kids. Am I being paranoid? Maybe, but it’s a real risk.
It all goes back to manners. It’s this blanket *assumption* that irkes me – that because YOU choose to live your entire life online, that it’s okay for you to make that choice on MY behalf. I don’t accept that I’m a bad person because I want to control where photos of me show up, and who gets to know about my activities. I’m as entitled to keep MY privacy as you are to give YOURS away.
So ask before you take my picture, and warn me that you’re going to post the pictures you take online. And if I decline to be included on that basis, don’t have a hissy fit about it. These are simple requests, and adhering to them will allow us all to get what we want without any unpleasantness. There! Wasn’t that easy?
I think Kristen makes some very good points. The most important one, I believe, is the lack of control we have over what happens to our photos and private information. I only allow my Facebook friends to view my profile, but not everyone is that private. (My settings previously allowed friends of friends until one such person did some things that were just plain creepy, which proves Kristen’s point about privacy.)
Right on, Kristen! And they may be putting someone’s safety at risk. It’s amazing (and sad) how many divorced people out there don’t want their ex to know where they are, for their own safety. And if their ex is that kind of person, he or she will certainly be trolling social media avenues trying to find them.
@Steve said: At least your friend doesn’t post status updates like, “Sigh . . . .”. And then wait for you to ask her what’s the matter.
My friend has a phrase for this — VagueBooking.
She not only refuses to ask what is wrong, she says “quit VagueBooking and get on with your complaining already” to the worst offenders. I LOVE IT.
Vague Booking!!! I love it too. I’m using it as my own!!!
Steve C.
Dude…why are you getting so much spam on the ole blog!? I did not see your questions before but permit me to answer them now. I have not used an outhouse in about 25 years (lol). My grandmother had one and my dad made us sleep over one night and I was scared to pee cause I had never used an outhouse in all my life. Call me spoilt but I was a porcelain princess and proud of it. And I live in Trinidad and Tobago, where I am not sure how many outhouses still remain but most people do have toilets. lol. I came back to this entry because this weekend I went out and we were at the dinner table and over a great pork chop in chocolate sauce (sounds gross but it was pretty terrific), someone pulled out a Blackberry to take a photo of my “chop”. I was a bit annoyed that here was this person holding their germy, spitty phone over my food, and then what? Was she going to tag it as “chop” on Facebook? Yes, it was unusual – a pork chop in a decadent chocolate sauce, but really??? I mean, really…where do we draw the line? I had to basically repeat what I said above on my blog and the culprit sent me an email asking if she was the inspiration.lol. But yeah, nothing much has changed where this is concerned. lol – Aviane