Big news here at Corporate Hallucinations: The C.R.A.P. Awards are coming back!

I started the C.R.A.P. Awards about 75 years ago, it seems, back when I still wrote for Ragan Communications.

Out of the hundreds of columns I wrote for Ragan over the years, the C.R.A.P. Awards were by far the most popular. And, in some cases, the most hated (some people seriously have no sense of humor).

C.R.A.P. stands for Corporate Rhetoric Awards Program, and the idea was to find one really bad piece of communication—a CEO column, an intranet story, a press release, an article in the employee publication—and poke gentle fun at it.

I always tried to offer practical advice while handing out the CRAP . . . sometimes I succeeded, many times I failed. But it was a hell of a lot of fun.

Anyway . . . CRAP is back! The Awards are going to be part of a brand new Webinar series that I’m doing with my old friend and seminar partner, Jim Ylisela.

It’s called “Write and Rewrite,” and it’s going to be fun, practical romp through the world of corporate communications. We’re going to build most of each show on audience feedback. We want to answer your questions, give you the advice you need, and help you improve your communication vehicles.

And we want to have some fun, too. Which is why we are going to end every show by handing out a C.R.A.P. Award. Click here to find out more about it, and make sure to sign up for the Webinar right away. You can do that here.

Sign up soon, because it will sell out. (No it won’t. It’s a Webinar, so it can’t sell out. But it’s fun to say shit like that to try and get people to sign up).

And, to get people in the right frame of mind for C.R.A.P., I’m going to run some old columns out here in the next couple of weeks. It was fun to dust them off and give them a read again. Hope you enjoy them, and sign up for Write and Rewrite today!

Why do employee profiles so often lead to C.R.A.P.?

There’s nothing wrong with writing about employees . . . but let’s find interesting people and ask them interesting questions—about their jobs!

It’s the first thing they teach you at Corporate Communicator School: If you’re going to do an employee publication, you have to write about employees.

And that’s true. If all you do is quote the same pasty-faced white executives in every issue, you won’t have any readers (not even the pasty-faced white dudes you’re quoting). We here at C.R.A.P. (Corporate Rhetoric Awards Program) Central fully support writing about employees.

But . . . you have to do it the right way. And many, many editors screw it up.

This month’s award goes to an editor who screwed it up. She tried to use a very common method of squeezing an employee into the publication: The “Employee Spotlight” article.

This is when you single out some employee, usually at random, and do a Q&A with them. Now, the right way to do this is to really dig into their jobs: what are their biggest challenges at work, how do they work with other departments, how do they fit into the bigger picture, how do they help the organization achieve its objectives, etc.

Of course, doing it that way means putting some time into the interview. It means pushing the subject to answer some tough questions. It means asking a second, third, and fourth question until you get to a good nugget of interesting information.

That takes time, so many editors bail out . . . and instead, ask a bunch of easy, soft, non-work-related questions and take the first thing out of the subject’s mouth as the answer, and publish it.

This month’s C.R.A.P. Award goes to an editor who had the right idea for an Employee Spotlight, and who started out strong . . .but then got sloppy and fell apart at the end. She actually picks an interesting subject—someone who relocated from Germany to Boston—and the first couple of questions are pretty good. She asks

“What does your job involve?”

“Tell us something about yourself that most people don’t know.”

“What made you move to Boston?”

Not bad. But then the editor starts to slowly skid down C.R.A.P. Mountain. The next question is: “What’s the strangest job you ever had?”

Here’s where you get into trouble, because most people have never had a strange job. And if they did, they aren’t about to tell the company editor about it.

When asked this question, employees never say anything interesting, like: “I sold crack cocaine and meth out of my dorm in Munich . . . boy, you think we have some freaks around this place? You oughta try dealing crack in Germany to a bunch of hopped up skinheads and Neo Nazis!”

No, of course they don’t say that. This woman’s “strangest” job? “I worked in Southern France on a farm harvesting vegetables.”

Whooooeeee!! What a nutball! And of course, once you start slipping and sliding down C.R.A.P. Mountain, there’s no stopping. The questions get worse and worse from there, and the answers get more and more boring.

The next question:

“If you could meet one person, who would it be?”

And the woman’s answer? “Denzel Washington.”

But wait! There’s some controversy in this answer! Because she adds this:

“I was going to say George Clooney, but in the end, Denzel is better looking?”

What does that mean, “in the end,” Denzel is better looking? He has a nicer ass?

And after delving all too briefly into this woman’s sexual preferences, the interview goes even further south, with the next question:

“Describe your favorite meal.”

Now we’re really off the tracks. And again, the worst thing about these questions is that they attract boring answers. What could this woman possibly say that would be of any interest? Do you think she’s going to say something provocative or even remotely interesting?

Do you think she’ll ever say something like: “For my favorite meal, it wouldn’t matter what the food was, as long as I was eating it off Denzel Washington’s shiny hairless ass! I’d eat sauerbraten off his ass. I’d eat wiener schnitzel off his ass. I’d eat just about anything off his ass!”

Of course not. This German woman’s favorite meal is, get ready for it, here it comes . . . “Hearty German sausage, green cabbage, and potatoes.” Who would have guessed?

And the editor saves the worst for last. She wraps up this “interview” with this doozy:

“What is the best present you have ever received?”

And it turns out that when the woman was 14, she got a horse for her birthday. Here’s what she had to say about it:

“I named her Falling Ear and did dozens of competitions with her for many years,” she tells the editor.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz. That big thud you heard was thousands of foreheads slamming into desks, as readers go comatose after reading this interview.

And while we’re at it, what the hell kind of name is “Falling Ear?” What did she name her puppy, “Spotted Lung?” Does she have a little kitty named “Undescended Testicle?” A rabbit named “Hair Lip?”

As we mentioned earlier, there’s nothing wrong with doing employee interviews . . .but don’t do them just to do them. Find interesting people, and ask them interesting tings.

And they should be mostly about the business. Now, if you want to throw in a couple of personal questions at the end, that’s your call.

But try to come up with something better than “What’s your favorite meal?” or “What’s the best present you ever received?”

Because the answers to those questions aren’t going to do your subject, or your readers, any good whatsoever.

(Note: We interrupt our three-part series on the creepy side of Social Media to take on an important timely subject: Fat men who take up two seats on airplanes.)

Enough already with this Kevin Smith slob.

By now you’ve heard the story: Smith, who is really superfat and obnoxious and arrogant, was kicked off a Southwest Airlines flight.

He was kicked off because he was fat . . . but the reason weall know about it is because he’s obnoxious and arrogant. Smith has beenblogging and tweeting and podcasting about the incident relentlessly, trying toset himself up as the Rosa Parks of fat people.

Smith is known in Hollywood circles as an “auteur,” which isFrench for: “Someone who writes and directs mediocre movies.” Smith is the guyresponsible for the  classic “Zachand Mira Make a Porno,” which any student of serious film can tell you is up therewith “Harold and Kumar Go to White Castles” on the auteur list of great movies.

Now, as a large man myself, I wanted to sympathize with Smith,who is known in some circles as “That Fat Ass Who Made`Clerks.’”

But facts are facts. Southwest has always had a policy onthis topic. I’m not sure of the exact wording of the policy, but it sayssomething like this:

“If you are so fucking fat that when you sit in your chair,your gross belly fat spills into the lap of the person sitting next to you, andyour arm fat takes over both of your armrests like a scene from "The Blob," thenyou have to buy two seats, because we can’t let human hippos like you ruin theflight experience for everybody else.”

Well, Mr. Smith knows the policy. That’s why he always buystwo seats when he flies Southwest! Did you get that? He flies Southwest all thetime! And he always buys two seats, because he knows he looks like what would happen if Dom Deluise ate John Candy!

But on this particular flight, Smith wanted to get on anearlier flight, and on that particular flight, they didn’t have an extra seatfor his blubber. So he crammed himself into one seat, his fat poured itselfinto another . . . and he was asked to leave.

Normally, I’d side with the fat man on this. I mean, as afat man myself, I live in constant fear that someone will ask me to get off a plane.

But Smith was such a jagoff about the whole thing, it’s hardto feel sorry for him. He has sent about a billion tweets ripping Southwest, he’s podcasted theincident, he’s blogged about it.

Like I said, he’s trying to turn himself intoMartin Luther “Burger” King.”

But the thing that turned me against the slob was when heexplained that when he buys two seats, he doesn’t do it because he’s as fat asa walrus. Oh, no. According to Smith, he buys two seats as a “luxury” because”Southwest flights are cheap.”

Then he said this: “I’m flying on the welfare airline, thefood-stamp airline. So I think I can indulge myself with two seats, and I canafford to do it.”

First, do you need any more proof that he’s a complete dick?

Second, what exactly makes Southwest the “welfare airline,the food-stamp airline,” Mr. Smith?

Is it the fact that they continue to make money in anindustry when nobody else seems able to? Is it the fact that, unless you’re thesize of a Beluga whale and trying to cram yourself into one seat, their flightattendants treat you like human beings, and seem to enjoy their work?

Is it the fact that they make their flights affordable toregular people, and not just oversized Hollywood “auteurs?”

Or is it the fact that, on longer flights, they pass out asnack tray and you’re allowed to eat as much as you want!! (Can anyone elseeasily imagine Smith settling into his two seats on a cross country flight anddevouring seven or eight entire snack trays?)

Well . . . I have news for you, Fat Ass. You may have abillion followers on Twitter. You may have some bullshit movies to your credit.You may have a blog and a podcast.

But calling Southwest Airlines the “food stamp” airline andthe “welfare” airline isn’t going to win you any friends.

Oh, and by the way: PLEASE keep your promise to stay offSouthwest Flights. I fly Southwest all the time, and I for one would appreciatethe extra room. Since you have so much money, go buy two seats on United, wheredicks can be dicks, and stay off our little airline.

Social Media has gone mainstream.

I know this, because formy son’s travel baseball team, several of the parents suggested Twitter as away to stay in touch to provide updates on schedule changes, game times, andother news.

Six months ago, nobody even knew what Twitter was.

Now, I'm not saying it is 100 percent mainstream. For example, I wasrecently trying to explain Twitter to my ex-wife, who works as a nurse and onlyrecently began to master e-mail.

Her response to Twitter:

“What the hell is the matter with people?”

However, this is also the same woman who just got an iPhone,and now is actually texting and reading e-mails from a mobile device. I give itsix months until she’s on Twitter and Facebook.

But as Social Media goes mainstream, we better be aware ofthe downsides to these constantly updated, always connected, 100 percenttransparent lives we are building.

To that end, this is the first of a three-part series atCorporate Hallucinations on the ugly, creepy side of Social Media. The serieswill look at three of the biggest problems with these new communication tools:

1. The fact that nobody lives in the moment anymore . . . andwhat you’re doing right now isn’t nearly as important as TELLING EVERYONE thatyou’re doing it.

2. The fact that creepy business owners are using social mediatools to hawk their wares in all the social media spaces . . . which makesusing these tools like going to a party and finding out that 90 percent of thepeople are Amway salespeople.

3. The fact that as we shorten everything to a status update ora 140-character tweet (less if you want to leave room for a retweet!), we maybe losing the ability to think about, process, and communicate longer trains ofthought.

Let’s take number one first: The fact that in the SocialMedia Age, it’s all about the update, not the moment itself.

Two recent incidents pointed this problem out to me. At thefirst one, I was at a party a couple of months ago, and everyone was drinking aton and whooping it up and having a blast.

Everyone, that is, except for one person, who kept saying:”Okay, we need pictures for Facebook. Everyone get together for a Facebook picture!” And she keptstopping the Goddamned party, so that she could take a photo and upload it toFacebook.

I didn’t see her get into one good conversation, because shewas constantly working her Facebook page. Once she started uploadingphotos, other people sitting at home would comment, and then she would have toanswer, and then take more photos, and then answer the comments . . . it was anever-ending, vicious cycle.

She should have just stayed home and played on Facebook fromthe privacy of her own house, because she sure as hell wasn't intellectually or emotionally present at the party!

And here’s the other problem with her obsession: I didn’t want my picture onFacebook! One, because I was shitfaced. And two, because there’s always abetter-than-even chance that I don’t want the world to know that I’m at thatparticular party, at that particular time.

Maybe someone asked me to go to the ballet that night, and Isaid I had strep throat, to get out of it. Maybe I had a family function that Iwas supposed to be at, but I blew it off.

Maybe, the next day, I would be tired, and I would want to blowsomething off then, but now I wouldn’t be able to, because everyone in theGoddamned world would know I was blowing it off because I was hung over.

The point is, the person taking the pictures was far moreworried about capturing the event on Facebook than she was about just enjoyingherself. And, she was dragging everyone else into her obsessive compulsion to posteverything, immediately, right now, online.

The second incident was just as bad. We were at a Super Bowlparty, again having a great time, except for one person who kept diddling her Dingleberry.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“Tweeting about the party,” she said.

“Why?” I said. "Are you bored?"

"No," she said. "I'm having a great time."

And sure enough, her tweet said something like, "I'm having a great time at the Super Bowl Party. Go Saints!"

But if she was really having a great time, would she really take time out to tweet about it? 

Instead of enjoying the moment, shefelt it was more important to tell the world (or at least her 37 followers) about the moment.

You see these kinds of Tweets and Facebook updates all thetime. They look like this:

“Having a great dinner with John and Alice at Ruths ChrisSteak House. My steak is as big as my ass!”

Or . . .

“Watching "Kicking and Screaming" with my 12-year-old sonBilly. Awesome movie.”

Or . . .

“Having sex with my wife . . . she just pulled out theleather harness. About to get interesting!!”

Okay, I made that last one up. But you get the point.

If you’re really enjoying dinner at Ruths’ Chris, why thehell would you take time out from the food and the wine and conversation totell people about it? Before Twitter, would you interrupt the dinner to phone adistant relative to tell them all about it?

And if you’re really enjoying watching a movie with yourkid, then watch the movie with your kid! Tweet after the fact, if you need to.Update your status before you go to bed, and tell everyone what a great nightyou had, if you feel you must.

And if you're really slathered with baby oil and strapped into a leather parachute harness, enjoy that moment! It might never happen again! And then you can tweet it and put pictures on your Facebook page!

This growing tendency to have to immediately broadcastour every movement and moment is scary, to me.

And, as Social Media goes more and more mainstream, and the mobile devices becomeeasier and easier to use, it’s only going to get worse.

Tomorrow (or maybe the next day), we’ll do Part Two of thecreepy, dark side of social media: business owners who use the variousplatforms to constantly and obnoxiously hawk their good and/or services topeople.

And I’ve got one hell of a creepy story to tell you aboutthat.

Had a great time in Kansas City last week, at the KC IABC Chapter's Business Communications Summit.

And, as usual, all the really cool, awful, scary stories came out in the bar after the day's sessions were over.

My favorite came from a graphic designer who works with a lot of big companies on various projects. One of her jobs was to photograph the CEO of a very large, very well known company, that shall remain nameless. She was supposed to take his photo every year for a print communication vehicle.

No big deal, right? Get in there, get 15 minutes of his time, get him to do something other than stand there and look constipated, take 20 or 30 shots, and pick the best one. If you have even more time, and he's willing, maybe even get the executive out of the office, talking to a customer, or at one of the company's plants. Make him seem human.

Oh . . . but there was one problem. She didn't get fifteen minutes with the executive. She didn't get five minutes. She didn't get one minute.

"I didn't even get 10 seconds with this guy," she told me. "I didn't get any time with him at all."

So what did you do? I asked, imagining her setting up in a storefront window across the street from the corporate headquarters, like a sniper or a private investigator, with a long-range lens, hoping to get a shot of the guy getting out of his car in the morning.

Or maybe she waited in the stall of the executive bathroom, like a papparazo (and yes, that IS the singular form of papparazi; I looked it up), hoping to get a shot of him at the urinal, or at the sink walking up (since most executive mug shots only show the person from the third shirt button up, you can use urinal and sink shots).

Well . . . as ridiculous as those scenarios sound, what she actually had to do was, maybe, even worse.

"Every year, I would take last year's mug shot, and Photoshop in a different tie," she told me. "And that would be the picture."

Oh, the things we do in corporate communication. Communicators and readers, do you have any nightmare stories to top that one? Let's hear them!